Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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