Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
