accomplished twins. life is a go
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
