wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
