I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
