and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
