Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize