Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
