We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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