im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
