So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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