I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
