My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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