If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
