We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
