My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
