i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need to calm my uterus...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
