It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
