Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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