I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
