my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
