So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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