my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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