my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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