Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
