am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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