I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
