You're my little dorito
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
