Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
