you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Randomize
