i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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