The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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