Don't you send me to vm
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
please come you make the beer taste better
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
