I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
