You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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