I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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