recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
