drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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