I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
