Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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