it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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