your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
