ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
