wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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