im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
