I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
