how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
