He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
