im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
