that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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