I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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