Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fuck appropriateness.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
