What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
