you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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