My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
