Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
