Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We are two peas in an std pod
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
