new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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