Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
