Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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