does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
