I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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